The Pigeons have Gone

OK. So maybe they were smarter than I thought. After about 18 months of cooing and fluttering and breeding and dying and shitting all over my balcony they finally disappeared? Why?

I'm not sure. First of all, I got tired of bursting through my kitchen door and scaring them off, so I started sneakily opening it and throwing pints of water on them. This, in fairness, only really deterred them for about a minute at a time.

Next I tired of the water throwing (and was worrying about hitting the downstairs neighbours who Are Not to be Fucked Around With). So next I looked up pigeon deterrants. Things like the Terror Eye Balloon caught my eye.

This thing apparently floats and bobs around on your balcony, with the mad eyes following the pigeons. The price was is scarier than the balloon (£50 stg!) and I had a suspicion that it might end up driving the boyfriend from the balcony, where he likes to have a smoke.

After reading this splendid article on pigeon killing by a native New Yorker, I considered the Alka Seltzer route (apparently pigeons can't release gas, so if you feed them Alka Seltzer, they just blow up until they explode). But I felt bad about this.

However, following another few hours of enduring pigeons talking dirty and doing worse on my balcony I made a resolution to buy a small gun so I could take to shooting them. I was thinking one of those toy guns that have little pellets so my neighbours wouldn't be in immediate danger. The boyfriend thought I should purchase an air rifle. We googled both options.

However, before I could make an informed purchasing decision, the pigeons left. They are GONE! They haven't been here for a whole day and night! Silence has settled and the shit has hardened.

Obviously the little feckers are mind readers!